Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Week 3: beliefs


What are my beliefs on my self, what is holding me back from being the artist and the person that i want to be?

In many cases, especially in relations with people i think i´m not good enough to do a crtain thing. i see myself as not being able to do that, i don´t have fear of failure, i´m sure of failure and i try just for fun not expecting much from it. This is probably a defence from my fear of failure. If i don´t give much importance or credit to what i´m doing i won´t disappoint myself or other people when i will fail. If i fail, well that´s something i already took for granted, so it´s not really something new, but if i succede then it will be a big step forward. I think this is a 2 edged sword, because, yes it is true that failure is part of the learning process and shouldn´t be considered as something bad for it-self, but by reacting this way to the problem i´m just giving up to the challange even before trying and not really pushing my-self to overcome my problem. Of course this doesn´t happen always, many times i would think that something is really simple to solve, especially when it comes to other people´s problems...then why don´t i have the same solution orientation towards me aswell? I think it depends mostly on bad habits and beliefs. I know at the moment that i can do whatever i want, i know it, and i say the same thing to other people, evento myself. But it doesn´t come as an automathic attitude towads things. Actually this belief that i can do whatever i want, holds me back from doing stuff most of the time...ehehe i know that if i want i can cook very well, i don´t really need to prove it to myself, but it would require time, and well maybe tomorrow...Lazyness is one of my main problems....even though i´m not sure it is a belief...i don´t believe that i´m wait...i actually do...uhm...i´m sure that i´m lazy, because i am...but i´m also trying to overcome this problem, by forcing myself to do stuff that i don´t want to an excercize. Maybe i should start to think that i´m active..uhm...i´m starting to uderstand why it is suggsted to write all the goals in a positive personal and present way. It´s to convince yourself that you are actually there, to start subconciously think that you are what you want to become, and thus start acting like it....uhm...I am active...i am very active...=) good we got something here, but there are more beliefs i have to get rid of... socially i think i believe i´m a funny person, that looks stupid to others, and for that reason makes them laugh...still a kid in many ways, i´m probably still seeing myself as the same kid that at school was scared of touching another girl´s hand, and that´s why in many ways i still am...ahahah cool! i like where this is going =) the more i think about it, the more i realize that have a pretty restricted and childish view of myself. Uhm..going back to being funny, i sometimes like that, sometimes i do it on purpose to say something stupid, maybe faking to misunderstand something to make someone laugh..uhm...i guess mosly cause it proves to me that i know what makes people laugh and that i can make the laugh if i want...uhm..still it´s quite childish in it-self, even though i like makin people laugh, and i like when people are happy...but i don´t like to be taken for a stupid ahahah, uhm...but still atleast i´m aware of it now...
Also this could be an interesting addiction to why i tend to be a different person in sweden and in italy. A bit is depending on the language, we develope certain language patterns, and we subconsciously answer in a certain way to certain imputs...for example, when being showed somthing new i didn´t know the existence of in sweden i would say: cool!, in italy i would say: that´s crap!...and well in italy i would use a fouler language, cause i´m used to it, everybody does, and i subcontiously learnt to use certain terms instead of others. But i guess that in sweden, in the first year when i didn´t know the language, and was mostly silent, listening and thinking, i developed a different personality...and then when i go back to italy i retain only a little bit of it...uhm...I probably has also to do with my beliefs, of being or being able to become a different person here in sweden, and still being trapped in my old self while in italy...
I also find that sometimes my beliefs are influenced by the way i dress. It surely is not a direct influence, but more of something like: i think that if i dress that way i am cool, then i dress that way, and even if i don´t look so cool to myself , i still feel cool...because of a subconscious belief i guess...
And the same thing goes to when i play drums of guitar...uhm...when i think i´m doing good, then i enjoy it, and also feel like i´m playing well...if i believe i´m not performing well, then i start playing badly...uhm..
Another thing i noticed is that when someone is given a tip, or an opinion, or maybe a lecture on something that is supposed to change their way of thinking, we tend to only internalize only that which is inside our comfort zone and tend to forget the rest...for example if i tell someone to to pay attention at the skin tones, don´t draw the same cloths and try to draw more often. It´s very unlikely that they will do all of them, if they haven´t already thought about it. They will probably draw more, as they already think it´s necessary, but if they don´t understand that there is something wrong with the skincolors they are using or with the cloth designs...they will probably continue doing it. It´s normal, but it´s interesting if we apply it to ourselves. Many times i got advices and i probably applied the same rule for subconsciously choosing wich ones to follow...if i think at this in terms of proportion, i feel the need to find a sort of system to overcome the subconscious mechanism that separates comfortable advices from the uncomfortable ones. It got very long, and i´m cutting it here for now, but i hope i´ll add more soon.=)

1 comment:

Mark Winters said...

This was a very rewarding post to read. You are so much further now than I was at this point in my journey to self-discovery, and I guess that's the reason I started the mentoring program in the first place!

I'm going to talk about a few points that you brought up in this post.

First off: LAZINESS. Laziness is a symptom of something. It's not directly a problem in and of itself, and discovering it's source can be a challenge. On the flip side over-achievement and working like a dog can also be a symptom of an internal problem as well. I know plenty of people that escape their personal problems by delving into work which can lead to nervous breakdowns and such. But on the topic of laziness - we are all lazy and are so for various reasons. Disappointment, the overwhelming feeling of responsibility, not living up to expectations (placed on yourself), or like me a simple, ridiculous fear of failure. If I don't do I don't fail. If I play Fallout 3 I won't have to look at how badly I am mangling my current painting. It's something that we deal with. The thing to be done with laziness is to find out WHY you are acting that way. IT's hard to continue self defecting behavior once the behavior and source has been identified.

You wrote: "I also find that sometimes my beliefs are influenced by the way i dress. " This brings up a great point and a powerful success tool - SELF IMAGE or even better- POSITIVE self image. The book 'Psycho-Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz goes into this topic in depth and I highly recommend it. The author was originally a plastic surgeon who noticed that some people who improved their outward appearance gained self-esteem, while others felt just as bad about the way they look as before they had the surgery. Essentially (and I suggest you look more in to this) the issue is if you improve your outward appearance, the way you see yourself can change. The way you see yourself is the guiding principle. You NEED to have a positive self image. How you go about it is up to you and depends on your own values. While wearing a nice polo and Dockers fits with some peoples' positive self-image it ain't mine! Haha! So basically you need to CREATE the image of yourself and make sure it jives with how you feel and how you desire to be perceived.

You wrote: "we tend to only internalize only that which is inside our comfort zone and tend to forget the rest." Yup. We ALL have comfort zones. I have a really really tiny one myself! But I'm working on it! Recognize your own comfort zones and challenge them. Comfort zones point to opportunities for self growth. Once you recognize your own comfort zone it's hard to stay in it. Kinda like recognizing you're being lazy. Identify it and it's hard to just keep living with it. But, just like being lazy, it's a recurring problem. Eventually you'll both stop being as lazy and you'll stop living in your comfort zone as a default.

I think you've found some good insights here. Keep going, keep learning and you'll continue finding those insights. Great job here. I see that you've written a follow up post on beliefs, I'm looking forward to reading that.