Week 3: beliefs

Beliefs:

What are my beliefs on my self, what is holding me back from being the artist and the person that i want to be?

In many cases, especially in relations with people i think i´m not good enough to do a crtain thing. i see myself as not being able to do that, i don´t have fear of failure, i´m sure of failure and i try just for fun not expecting much from it. This is probably a defence from my fear of failure. If i don´t give much importance or credit to what i´m doing i won´t disappoint myself or other people when i will fail. If i fail, well that´s something i already took for granted, so it´s not really something new, but if i succede then it will be a big step forward. I think this is a 2 edged sword, because, yes it is true that failure is part of the learning process and shouldn´t be considered as something bad for it-self, but by reacting this way to the problem i´m just giving up to the challange even before trying and not really pushing my-self to overcome my problem. Of course this doesn´t happen always, many times i would think that something is really simple to solve, especially when it comes to other people´s problems...then why don´t i have the same solution orientation towards me aswell? I think it depends mostly on bad habits and beliefs. I know at the moment that i can do whatever i want, i know it, and i say the same thing to other people, evento myself. But it doesn´t come as an automathic attitude towads things. Actually this belief that i can do whatever i want, holds me back from doing stuff most of the time...ehehe i know that if i want i can cook very well, i don´t really need to prove it to myself, but it would require time, and well maybe tomorrow...Lazyness is one of my main problems....even though i´m not sure it is a belief...i don´t believe that i´m lazy...no wait...i actually do...uhm...i´m sure that i´m lazy, because i am...but i´m also trying to overcome this problem, by forcing myself to do stuff that i don´t want to do...as an excercize. Maybe i should start to think that i´m active..uhm...i´m starting to uderstand why it is suggsted to write all the goals in a positive personal and present way. It´s to convince yourself that you are actually there, to start subconciously think that you are what you want to become, and thus start acting like it....uhm...I am active...i am very active...=) good we got something here, but there are more beliefs i have to get rid of... socially i think i believe i´m a funny person, that looks stupid to others, and for that reason makes them laugh...still a kid in many ways, i´m probably still seeing myself as the same kid that at school was scared of touching another girl´s hand, and that´s why in many ways i still am...ahahah cool! i like where this is going =) the more i think about it, the more i realize that have a pretty restricted and childish view of myself. Uhm..going back to being funny, i sometimes like that, sometimes i do it on purpose to say something stupid, maybe faking to misunderstand something to make someone laugh..uhm...i guess mosly cause it proves to me that i know what makes people laugh and that i can make the laugh if i want...uhm..still it´s quite childish in it-self, even though i like makin people laugh, and i like when people are happy...but i don´t like to be taken for a stupid ahahah, uhm...but still atleast i´m aware of it now...
Also this could be an interesting addiction to why i tend to be a different person in sweden and in italy. A bit is depending on the language, we develope certain language patterns, and we subconsciously answer in a certain way to certain imputs...for example, when being showed somthing new i didn´t know the existence of in sweden i would say: cool!, in italy i would say: that´s crap!...and well in italy i would use a fouler language, cause i´m used to it, everybody does, and i subcontiously learnt to use certain terms instead of others. But i guess that in sweden, in the first year when i didn´t know the language, and was mostly silent, listening and thinking, i developed a different personality...and then when i go back to italy i retain only a little bit of it...uhm...I probably has also to do with my beliefs, of being or being able to become a different person here in sweden, and still being trapped in my old self while in italy...
I also find that sometimes my beliefs are influenced by the way i dress. It surely is not a direct influence, but more of something like: i think that if i dress that way i am cool, then i dress that way, and even if i don´t look so cool to myself , i still feel cool...because of a subconscious belief i guess...
And the same thing goes to when i play drums of guitar...uhm...when i think i´m doing good, then i enjoy it, and also feel like i´m playing well...if i believe i´m not performing well, then i start playing badly...uhm..
Another thing i noticed is that when someone is given a tip, or an opinion, or maybe a lecture on something that is supposed to change their way of thinking, we tend to only internalize only that which is inside our comfort zone and tend to forget the rest...for example if i tell someone to to pay attention at the skin tones, don´t draw the same cloths and try to draw more often. It´s very unlikely that they will do all of them, if they haven´t already thought about it. They will probably draw more, as they already think it´s necessary, but if they don´t understand that there is something wrong with the skincolors they are using or with the cloth designs...they will probably continue doing it. It´s normal, but it´s interesting if we apply it to ourselves. Many times i got advices and i probably applied the same rule for subconsciously choosing wich ones to follow...if i think at this in terms of proportion, i feel the need to find a sort of system to overcome the subconscious mechanism that separates comfortable advices from the uncomfortable ones. It got very long, and i´m cutting it here for now, but i hope i´ll add more soon.=)